This Is What Dreams Are Made Of

Okay, so last night I had one of the weirdest dreams I've had in a while. Of course, weird dreams are commonplace, and the events in the dreams were plenty bizarre, but one of the strangest things about it was that it was one of the most linear dreams I've had in recent memory. Thus, tonight, instead of my usual blogging fare, I'm going to transcribe the events of this dream for you, and hopefully you'll find it at least marginally entertaining.

At the start of the dream, I was on my way to Williamsport, PA for the Little League World Series with my brothers Chris and Ned and the rest of the Colonie Little League crew. We stopped about halfway through our journey and got out of our cars and ventured off into the woods to stretch our legs a bit. I was wandering around, and I got separated from everyone else and ultimately lost in the woods. When I finally met up with some other people (they were nameless and faceless and didn't play much of a part in the rest of the dream), they told me that while I had been lost, the world had been taken over by an evil European noble of sorts, and that he was building concentration camps all over the country in which to torture and kill people. I looked around and saw that a large fence had been erected around the forest in which I had found myself, and knew that I was trapped.

Some time passed (I don't know how much, but it seemed to be several days, at least), and after a while a new group of people that had been rounded up by the evil noble's forces were dumped off in my little area of the camp. These people were a group of five Asian midgets, all of whom were female, except for one male who looked just like the puppet version of Kim Jong-il from Team America: World Police. At first they tore wildly around the camp, acting much like ill-behaved five year olds on sugar highs (or Gremlins) and basically getting on everyone's nerves, so I took it upon myself to get them to calm down. This was no small feat, but eventually, over the course of a week or so, I got them to calm down and I became friends with the little Asians.

Another member in the camp who I found to be a surprisingly nice person was the Grinch. Not the cartoon Grinch, but Jim Carrey's Grinch. Unfortunately, though we got along very well, one day his number was up, and he was taken off by the guards to be tortured and executed. At that point, I knew we had to try to escape. I didn't just want to wait around until it was my time to be killed. It was then that Miley Cyrus and I realized that a contraption that the guards had been using as a snow plow was actually an old medieval style catapult. The two of us found a portion of the fence that was covered in plastic wrap at the bottom and tore a small hole in it. The hole was maybe five inches in diameter, but we both somehow managed to squeeze through it anyway, and when we got through the bottom of the fence, we each got on one side of the plow/catapult and began to push it along the ground, scraping the bottom of the fence along its length in such a manner that it caused the fence to become uprooted. We were somehow doing this very stealthily, and destroying large portions of the fence without the guards noticing.

We worked our way, slowly, toward the bad guy's headquarters, and once we got to the very edge of the wall there, we stopped. We saw Revolutionary War-era British soldiers, and knew that these were the bad guy's personal guards, and we didn't want to alert their attention, so we just kind of snuck around a little bit, finding out as much as we could about the place. We noted that the bad guy had a female sidekick, and I can only describe her as looking like the picture on the "Blood Cultist" Magic card (which you can see here). The two of them were designing a new type of torturous execution device. It was a giant wooden chair, the kind with vertical slats on the back, that was wide enough to seat three people, except it was made out of metal and had a long handle protruding from the back. It worked like this: three people would be tied up and seated on the chair, while the chair was pushed ever so slowly toward a giant fire, until all the people on the chair were eventually in the fire burning to death. This contraption was called the "Butter Burner." I heard them discussing plans to put us in it, so we hastily left that place.

Before we left the complex, however, I managed to find a book that had background information on the five Asian midgets that had been placed in our sector of the camp. As it turned out, they were all criminals of some sort. One of the females was a cannibal, and the male was a pedophile, but those are the only two I remember. At any rate, I figured their criminal history could be useful in staging an uprising at the camp, so I was delighted to find this information out. Once we got back to our area of the camp, I was surprised to find the Grinch waiting for us. He was in rough shape, and his entire body had been shaven, so instead of his signature pyramidal hairdo, all he had was a fuzzy green buzz cut. He also had stitches on his face. I asked him what had happened, how he had survived, and he told me that they beat him up, sewed a pineapple to his face, and then left him for dead. He pretended to die, and then once the guards left, he ripped the pineapple off his face and made his way back to the camp proper. I told him of our plans to basically riot and escape, and he said that since they thought he was dead, he could use the element of surprise to help us out.

At that point, I went over to Miley and told her it was time to really start destroying the place. We grabbed the plow/catapult, and started crashing around with it, tearing down as much of the fences as we could and not worrying about whether or not we were making too much noise. I had hoped that we would be able to get to the main complex and destroy it before we were caught, but the guards captured us just outside of it and took us into the inner chamber. The bad guy then made some kind of speech about how it was our turn to die, and they began preparing to strap us into the Butter Burner. I was terrified. Then, from behind a pillar, the Grinch suddenly sprang out, grabbed the bad guy by the head, and bashed his skull repeatedly against the pillar until he was dead. The guards were startled, and ran toward the Grinch without thinking about us. I immediately jumped up, grabbed the Blood Cultist Lady's head, and bashed it violently against another pillar until she was dead as well. Meanwhile, the Grinch and Miley Cyrus were disposing of the guards in the same fashion. Soon, we were all killing the guards and everyone in the place was making a break for it, and then I woke up.

So that's it. If anyone out there can interpret dreams, I'd be interested to hear theories, because that was just too bizarre. I hope you enjoyed this little slice of my subconscious.