I Am Still Here

I think I'm the only one left, and that's okay. I really should do this more often, though. I've only written three other posts the entire year, and the year will be over in less than a month.

I have so many things on my mind; so many things to say, but now is not the time for any of them in particular. The best time to say them is when they're formulated clearly and cohesively. Of course, it so happens that whenever that time comes, I'm at work and will be for the next 7 hours or so. And by the time I leave, all motivation to sit down and wax philosophical on the ole blog machine has departed, replaced by a desire to just plop myself down at my computer and get in a few hours of League with my internet friends before we all go back to reality for the night.

I guess that could be what I'm doing wrong in the first place. Maybe instead of waiting for a particular jolt of inspiration, I need to just sit down and go with the flow of whatever it is that springs to mind. Yes yes, I know this blog is a veritable sinkhole of metaphysical "maybes," and I realize that I've addressed this very topic on more than one occasion before. But there's certainly some merit to it. I have these grandiose concepts that I can never bring myself to commit to internet space because I'm concerned I don't have the correct lead-up or the proper closing paragraph. I'm afraid that whatever I write will, in the end, have no impact on the reader because it wasn't packaged properly.

Ah, but that's it, isn't it? There ARE no readers anymore!

It's just me. Sitting here plunking away purely for my own benefit. But I am still here. And as long as I am, I might as well make it worth my own time and at least put down the fragments of thoughts and the concepts that I have when they do strike, so that they don't become forgotten and go totally to waste.

Heck, I've just written more than I imagined I could write about really nothing at all. I wrote three paragraphs on not writing. Although there's more to my lack of posting than just a simple inability to properly organize my thoughts. Part of it has to do with the fact that, for me, these blog posts are a form of catharsis. Typically I review and assess my own issues by way of strange pieces of symbolism that I hope can be translated into something meaningful and relevant to whoever might stumble across this blog (which, again, at this point is most likely no one). The hangup I have is my fear that, once I address a particular issue, if simply posting about it on the blog wasn't enough to beget substantial relief, then I won't know how to deal with it henceforth. So rather than face that potential problem head on, I just kind of put it off. It's the kind of thing where, say, you like a girl and want to ask her out, but you're afraid she'll say no, so rather than risk failure, you just avoid her entirely. That way the possibility of her saying yes can always exist in your mind.

That's honestly a terrible way to go about your life, but I usually let it get the better of me, due in large part to my underlying existential dread of not having a goal to accomplish or anything to look forward to. So for example, if I have an idea for a blog post, I have two options: I can post it and end up with something concrete to look back on which may not have perfectly captured my abstract thoughts on the subject; OR I can just keep putting it off and keep the possibility of that perfect post alive forever.

So that's where we're at right now. So much to say, but the mostly self-imposed inability to actually say it. Although I must admit, it does feel good to have the fingers navigating the landscape of the laptop keyboard at this pace again. I should probably get back on the bloggery train. It might help me sort some things out. Goodness knows there are quite a few things I need to sort out.

But for now I just stopped by to update my tagline and my picture. The old ones were outdated. And because I know Future Bill, when he reads this, will want to know what they were (his memory not being what it used to be), the tagline said "Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt" and the picture was the icon for Fiddlesticks' fear. They made sense at the time, which was back in May. Oh and I guess last time I posted I also noted what the previous tagline and picture were. Neat. I'm such a good historian.