Cynical Optimism: An Approach To 2014

Crafting the first blog post of a new year is always a daunting task. I mean you have to start things off right, right? But heck, it's already the end of February. I missed my five year anniversary post, though that's made a bit less of an issue by the fact that I also missed my four year anniversary post last year for the first time in the blog's history. But just the fact that I've kept up with this (however infrequently in a given year) for the last five years is kind of impressive to me.

Just think about that for a second. I started this blog over five years ago. Back then, my primary inspiration was a girl who was way out of my league, and the main purpose of the blog was to channel my frustration over being smitten with her. It's weird, because at the time, I never would have acknowledged that one simple fact, though I'd find ways to kind of dance around it and incorporate indirect references in my writing, because I had to get it out somehow. Plus, a bunch of my friends actually read this regularly back then, and while I'm fairly certain they knew what I was getting at (and they definitely knew who I was interested in, as discreet as I tried to be it wasn't really a secret to anyone), I couldn't be so bold as to come right out and say it. That would be... pathetic, I suppose. Better to hide behind a thin veil of misplaced irritation at all of female-kind, right?

But I guess distance gives perspective, because now I have no misgivings about addressing my frame of mind from that point in time. Though in retrospect my efforts were futile, I thought maybe all I needed was confidence and to try really really hard. And in some small measure, that was true. I did end up managing to score a date with this girl, which, as a friend recently pointed out, is a badge of honor I alone amongst our friends was able to claim. It was a sympathy date, doomed to failure from the start, but hey, I worked hard to talk her into it, and that's something I'm still proud of.

It's amazing how so many things can change over five years, and likewise how so many things can stay the same. I was hung up on that girl for a long time; way too long, and that fact had a profoundly negative impact on things moving forward. But it was the same way with the previous girl that I was involved with. When things ended with her, I had a lot of trouble moving on. I get attached to things, and it's incredibly hard for me to let them go. That's just the way I am, it's the way I always have been, and it's how I always will be.

A while back, as I was driving to work, I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of that first girl. It was pretty popular right around the time she and I broke things off, and it sort of spoke to me of our situation (it's funny and wonderful how music has the ability to mean so many things to so many people). For the longest time, whenever I heard it, it would take me back to the implosion (well, I guess "explosion" is a better term, because it was pretty spectacular and dramatic) of our relationship, and dredge up a bunch of feelings of helplessness and regret. But this time, seven years later, I didn't feel any of that. It was just a song playing on the radio, devoid of any particular inspiration or meaning. And that was amazing to me.

In that moment, I had a bigger problem that I was dealing with, and it struck me that what I felt was a kind of cynical optimism; optimism because the old issues no longer troubled me, but in a cynical sense because I knew that they had been displaced by new issues. The lesson I took from that moment was that any problem you may currently face and the stress it entails won't last forever. But it will be replaced by something more troubling. In sense, that's okay, because you'll get over that hump, whatever it may be, it's just that there will never be a shortage of humps to get over.

So maybe five years from now, I'll be able to speak freely of the things that frustrate and sadden me now, without having to hide them under references to video games or TV shows. Maybe I'll be able to listen to Vices & Virtues again, because that's something I'd really like to do. Maybe it won't even be that long. Heck, I think just admitting that there are things that bother me is a step in the right direction. I never would have dreamed of doing that five years ago, at least not without attaching it to some snide remark. Granted, this is far less likely to be read than anything I posted back then, so I have that measure of comfort, but still. It's the internet. Anyone looking for it can find it. And I'm okay with that.

I'd love to end this on some kind of profound or inspirational note, but to be perfectly frank, this is not at all what I intended to get into when I started writing this post. Actually, I'm not really sure what I intended to write; I just knew I wouldn't be able to sleep yet and wanted some place for my brain to wander. I suppose that kind of organic development is what keeps it honest though. At least I now have one post logged in 2014. Here's to the next five years.