Friendship. Friendship? Again?

I was told that the hardest part of writing is just sitting down and doing it, and I believe that's partially true. The problem I have is not sitting down and writing, but sitting down and writing in an organized, cohesive manner. I could go on forever with random thoughts that pop into my head, but I like to have some substance and structure to whatever I'm writing, and that's the problem. But organized structure or not, I've decided to just get on with it.

There are a few topics about which I could go on forever, and I think most of these topics fall under the broad umbrella of the term "relationships." Today at lunch, we had a long, stimulating conversation concerning the general topic, and there are a number of observations I'd like to make based on said conversation. The first observation is actually a conclusion I drew about myself over the course of our discussion: I like to know things. Not facts or textbook knowledge (those are all well and good, mind you, but that's not what I'm referring to), but things about people; the way they think, why they act the way they do, how they'll react in different social contexts and how they respond to different pressures, what motivates and persuades people, etc. Basically, I like to think of myself as some kind of amateur sociologist. Anyway, this particular lunchtime discussion was remarkable for two reasons: 1) I was up early enough to go to lunch on a Sunday, and 2) a girl actually said that she trusted me. Me. Actually, the latter point is an excellent segue to my next point, so segue we shall.

In the world of male/female interaction, there is a special place reserved for the guy (or guys) that a girl likes because of all of his respectable qualities, but only in a strictly platonic sense. This is known as the "friend zone." When a guy is in the friend zone, the girl recognizes that he is trustworthy, loyal helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent, and/or otherwise admirable, but expresses no romantic interest in him whatsoever. Why, you ask, would a girl pass up on a guy who possesses so many qualities that would normally be deemed desirable in a mate? This one here always makes me scratch my head. I suppose it has to do with base level, chemical/monetary attraction, and I've got some hypotheses on this and other reasons why girls wouldn't be interested in guys, but I'll save them for a later post. At any rate, once you're in the friend zone, it's almost impossible to get out. You'd think that establishing a good friendship would be the best way to kick off a romantic relationship, right? Absolutely not, sir! Yes, you have to be friendly, but it has to be an edgy kind of friendly that also says "Hey, I'm cool and mysterious... date me and you'll find out more." Luckily for me, I've transcended the friend zone. I've created for myself a circle of relational limbo that my friends have dubbed the "Bill zone." The difference between the friend zone and the Bill zone is that while it's nearly impossible to get out of the friend zone, it's completely impossible to get out of the Bill zone. So just in case any relationships happening to be barreling down on me, all I have to do is jump into the Bill zone and I automatically avoid them. I guess it has something to do with me being an obnoxious, abrasive character more than a friend; girls probably respect guys in the friend zone a little more, but hey, we all have our roles to play in this grand opera we call life, and if I couldn't get out of the friend zone anyway, I might as well have fun along the ride, right?

The friend zone is grievous enough in and of itself, because the term is usually reserved not just for platonic male/female friendships, but for friendships between a guy who is interested and a girl who is not. When you enter the realm of males and females who consider each other to be "best friends," however, you've got an entirely new problem on your hands. Initially, you may not start off with a friend zone scenario; the pair in question may in fact just be good friends. But with a friendship close enough to be dubbed "best" between two members of differing sexes, there is bound to be some attraction sooner or later. Obviously the personalities fit well together, they're extremely comfortable around each other, they can share what they think and feel freely, and they've developed a reasonably longstanding connection by spending time together. The only item not on the list of such associations is physical attraction, and for some parties it may already be in place, waiting covertly for the opportune moment. Even if physical attraction is not felt from the very beginning, emotional attachment can rectify that problem fairly easily. The bottom line is this: if a guy or a girl considers a member of the opposite sex a "best friend," one party is or will be interested romantically. It's inevitable, even if it is never spoken aloud. In my experience, this development occurs most often with guys, and I would assume that's because guys just like girls more than girls like guys, generally speaking.

Moving right along, if, for example, a girl is dating a guy, she should never refer to another guy as her best friend. That is totally bush league, and could have disastrous consequences down the road (see last paragraph). Honestly, if you're dating somebody, I don't really see the need to have any friends of the opposite sex. What's the point? Personally, I don't think a guy should ever be labeling a girl his "best friend" or vice versa. You have one best friend, and it should be a friend of the same sex, because they'll understand you infinitely better than someone of the opposite sex can. What about your spouse, you ask? Isn't he or she supposed to be your best friend? Personally, I think that's a bunch of baloney (no, not bologna, that's a food). I suppose it may have to do with my view of marriage; maybe it's a little skiewed. Many people refer to their spouses as their "best friends," and I always think that's stupid. Your spouse is your spouse, you have a separate "best friend" for that specific purpose - the purpose of being your best friend. That always just seemed like the way it should be to me, until I stopped to think about it for a second, at which point I formed a question in my head - why is the role of "best friend" to be differentiated from the role of "spouse?" The answer I came up with is so that you can have someone you can talk to who is not your spouse, someone with whom you can share things that you don't feel you could with your spouse. But aren't you supposed to be able to share everything with your spouse? And then it occurred to me: I don't think I could ever trust a female enough to be able to share everything with her, and if you can't do that, then how can you ever get married to one? There are a scant handful of people in this world to whom I would tell ANYTHING, and all of them are guys. Maybe someday I'll meet a girl who I can trust enough to tell absolutely anything to, and who I can label my "best friend." But I'm not holding my breath.

At any rate, it's good to know that even though I'm not the smoothest operator in the world, I can still work some aspects of the game, exercise a little discretion, and save myself some trouble. Cheers from the Bill zone.

Andrew Clark Stole My Signoff

Yes folks, you heard correctly. Andrew Clark, the very being who guided me to create this newest venture into the world of bloggery, the spiritual teat under whose tutelage I suckled for three years, took my word in the introductory post of his own blog (which resides at http://mythicether.blogspot.com/). I am supremely offended and will surely never forgive him. Not to mention he was just recently terrorizing the screen of my laptop with a tape measure, pulling it toward him so that my viewing angle was slightly inconvenient. What a cad.

Of course, I say all this in jest. But guess what - I have a new blog.

Watch out, world.

And, just to settle the score, I will end this introductory post with this fabled saying:

"We are off to paint the night red with our love and our blood and the best of intentions."
-Andrew J. Clark
May 10, 2005