10 Years Gone

Ten years ago today, I started this blog. At the time, I fully intended to keep up with it indefinitely, but I never could have imagined where I'd be ten years from then. Ten years seems like an unfathomable distance in the future even now. I have a hard time picturing myself at 42 years old, because I've always kinda figured I'd be dead by 40. I've never been terribly sure that I even want to live longer than that, other than when I was in a relationship with the girl that I was sure I was gonna marry. But more on that some other time.

For now, I just want to celebrate the fact that I have (more or less) kept up with this blog for ten whole years. Not a year has gone by when I haven't posted at least once. Granted, for the past two years, those posts have come at the 11th hour on New Years Eve. And on New Years Eve in 2017, I'm pretty sure my post was only one sentence. Yep, just checked. It was. But to be fair, that was the end of one of the worst years of my life, and I didn't have much that I wanted to say. The point is, I persisted. I kept it going even when I wasn't necessarily feeling it. And I'm sort of proud of myself for that fact.

This post and the previous one have both been more off-the-cuff and less formally planned out than my traditional posts. Back when I first started this blog, I used to come up with an idea and flesh it out, and I'd really have to have somewhere I was going with what I wanted to say before I would even sit down and start writing. There had to be some kind of ultimate point I was trying to make, lesson I wanted to teach, or piece of wisdom for me to impart for me to even get going on it. But the thing about that approach is that it's prohibitive to actually getting anything done. Because not only would I have to have a fully formed idea for the theme and path of a post, I'd have to have ample free time and be in the right mood to sit down and start working on it. And I operated under that frame of mind even into 2016, which was the last time I really sat down and crafted a post with an overarching theme. These days, I'm so busy that I almost never have both the time and motivation to start writing. Sure, I'll come up with an idea and be able to kind of map it out in my head, say, when I'm at work... but if I can't sit down and focus, I can't write. And I definitely can't do that at work. So here we are. Even without a direction to really take this, I have the time, and at least enough motivation to start pounding on the keyboard. And I think in the future when I look back at this I'll be glad I did it. I'm a very nostalgic, sentimental person, and commemorating significant moments from the past is just what I do.

In that sense, remember when I used to start almost every single post with something along the lines of "I doubt anyone even reads this thing anymore?" There's no point to THAT nowadays. I am certain no one reads it, if only because of how infrequently it's updated. I also don't post on Facebook when I update anymore, because I'm not sure that I want everyone I know reading this blog. I stand by everything I've said in it (I think; I guess I'd have to go back and read every post again to make sure, but I'm fairly certain that I do) and I don't feel like having to explain pieces of my worldview to people I work with, for instance. So it's best to just have this little corner of the internet to myself. The people who would want to read this most likely know how to find it, and if they ever forgot, they could just ask me themselves, since we do keep in touch.

And I guess that's one of the nice things about being here ten years down the road. I still talk to just about everyone I was friends with back at Liberty on at least a semi-regular basis. I knew when I met my core group of friends there that they would be friends for life, and they have been, and that bond is something for which I am very fortunate and grateful.

So much has happened in these ten years. And yet... I remember sitting at the table in E21 20...3? Shoot I don't even remember the number of the quad I lived in. I'm fairly certain I was in room B though, that much I do remember. My point is, I remember the day I started this blog. I remember the months that followed, playing Starcraft and Age of Empires and Magic. I remember the hope that I had that the girl I had liked all year might go out with me, and the crushing defeat I felt when, after I talked her into going on a sympathy date, she politely declined a second. I remember the uncertainty of my return to grad school the following year in the early parts of that summer, and the absolute despair I felt when it was finally decided I would not be returning. That was the closest I've ever been to calling myself "depressed."

I remember having it out with my parents that fall over the fact that I still hadn't gotten a job, and coming up with a plan to get myself out there in the market following one last visit to Liberty to say goodbye. I remember reconnecting with Chris's friend Anthony not long after, thinking he and his friends were insufferable dorks, and wanting nothing more than for Chris to stop hanging out with them so we could play Magic into the wee hours of the morning like we had spent all summer doing. I remember when Chris got them into Magic, and then they became good friends of mine. I remember the hours spent in Nick's basement in the summer of 2010, bleeding into the fall, meeting new people, having a new legitimate love interest for the first time in years, and joining our group with Chris's friends from RPI.

Perhaps most vividly I remember 2011. That's a year that deserves its own post, if not a series of posts. I moved out of my parents' house, got a girlfriend, and got my dream job. That was the best year of my life.

I remember 2012. Moving back to Colonie, breaking up with my girlfriend (but in name only, and still acting towards each other like we always had when we were together), and heading back down to Lynchburg for Dave's wedding. I remember how excited I was to see the girl I had liked during my final year at Liberty and catch up with her. I remember how wary my ex had been about me going down there, but how supportive she had been of me and my freedom to talk to any of the girls I had known from those days. And I remember the realization, like a bolt of lightning to my skull, that the girl I had pined over for so long in college and beyond was no good for me. I remember being so glad that I still had my ex at home, and I remember resolving to patch things up with her and make it work.

I remember that, when I got home... she was gone. In a literal sense, she was staying with her parents for a week while her sister visited, but more significantly, she had gotten over me while I was away for that weekend. She met another guy. She later told me that she was just using him to get herself away from me and that she knew he was never marriage material... but it worked. I never got her back. To this day, that is my greatest regret. I wish I had treated her better.

I remember how painful and drawn-out the reality of that breakup was, once we were TRULY broken up and she was official with her new guy. I remember the hostility between us when she moved out, and how it didn't bother me too much because I had already been talking to a new girl at work. I remember how, after a few dates with that girl, I realized just how much I truly missed my ex, and how desperately I tried to get her back just weeks later.

I remember meeting another girl at the company Christmas party that year, and thinking that that was why things didn't work out with my ex. Because I was supposed to meet THIS girl. I remember going on a date with her, and then a second, and then declaring to my roommates that I was going to marry her. I thought she was perfect, and to this day, she's the most attractive girl I've ever dated.

I didn't marry her. She flaked on me one too many times, and after she bailed on Leland Melvin Day, I proposed one last do-over with her from the beginning, and she declined. After that, I wrote her off. I spent months wishing I could get my ex back. I remember meeting yet ANOTHER girl in the fall and going on a few dates with her before realizing that I STILL missed my ex too much to commit to anything with anyone else.

I remember taking 2014 off from making any kind of moves on any girls whatsoever... other than to try and reconnect with my ex. But those were all failed attempts. I remember my dad's cancer diagnosis that summer. I remember that phone call vividly... and I remember believing he would beat it. I remember that Christmas, when his doctor pulled some strings to get him discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve, and going with Chris to pick him up. I remember the nurse coming to our house and showing him and my mom how to drain the fluid from his abdomen at home. I remember how terrifying it was when he started puking blood on Christmas day and thinking we were gonna have to go back to the hospital. I remember the relief upon hearing from the doctor that it was a false alarm, and how grateful I was that we would just get to stay home and celebrate what may very well be one last Christmas with our dad. I remember him sitting us all down and telling us how much he loved us, and how much that meant to me. I remember Meg and Michael crying together on the couch, and trying to hold it together myself as I watched them. I remember that as one of the best Christmases I ever had, because of the simple gift of getting to be together as a family without taking it for granted.

I remember driving my dad to work between December of 2014 and July of 2015, when he got too sick to keep working. I remember meeting a new girl at work in June of 2015, and starting what turned out to be something of a summer fling with her. I remember buying this house, and how happy and relieved my dad was that we owned land instead of throwing our money away renting. I remember how stressful it was trying to move out in time, and I remember having to get up from the table early on my dad's last Thanksgiving so we could continue moving. I remember him asking us if we had any Thanksgiving memories... and no one did. That is another one of my greatest regrets. I wish I had just sat there a few minutes longer and come up with something, ANYthing, to perpetuate that conversation with him.

Man I miss my dad.

I remember that Christmas. The last real Christmas we had together as a family. And considering his condition at the time, my dad was in remarkably good health and spirits. I remember him laughing at Texas Boots. I remember it was like 60 degrees on Christmas, and we all went outside and watched Mark ride his new unicycle, and I remember how both amused and proud my dad looked. I got that on video, and I'm so glad I did. I believe that's the last one I have of him.

I remember New Years Day, and walking around the desolate floor of Colonie Center with him after hours. I'm surprised we weren't asked to leave by security. But that started something of a weekly tradition for us. From then until he died, we went to the mall every week, and he'd tell me stories from his childhood. He liked to just sit and watch people go by. I remember him telling me he knew it wasn't easy for me to get up early and come out to church and then to the mall afterwards, and I remember thinking he was crazy for telling me he knew how hard I had it.

I remember our last trip to the mall, when he told me he felt like he was slowly slipping away; like everything was slowing down. He knew he didn't have much longer, but I didn't want to believe it, and I didn't want anyone to worry, so I never told anyone else he said that. He said he would have liked to take another trip up to Schroon Lake, and I told him we would go up in the spring when the weather got warmer. He bought me a video game at Jay Street that day - OddWorld: Stranger's Wrath. I was gonna buy it myself, but he insisted on getting it for me, and I think that's because he knew it would be the last thing he would ever buy for me. To this day, I can't bring myself to play it.

I remember how hard I worked on Danny Latin's bachelor party video for about a month, and I remember thinking as I walked out the door to leave for the airport for his wedding that this could very well be the last time I ever saw my dad. God forbid something happened while I was gone, but I wanted to make sure I took it in just in case.

I was right. He died while I was in Florida. I remember not knowing how to feel when I broke the news to my friends, and I remember telling them I was fine, and I remember Danny Latin telling me that I don't always have to be fine... and I remember losing it when he said that and breaking down. And I remember how embarrassing that was. It shouldn't have been, and of course I know they understood, but I don't like people seeing me upset. I'm so thankful they were there with me when that happened.

I remember the rest of that year being simultaneously a blur and utterly, almost unforgivingly miserable. And to cap it all off, I remember seeing my ex in Target on Thanksgiving weekend, reconnecting with her, meeting her for lunch... and finding out she was engaged. I remember feeling like I was punched in the gut when she told me that, and actively trying to prevent myself from throwing up. That was easily the worst year of my life.

I remember 2017. That was another year that deserves its own post (or series thereof). It started off in abject mediocrity, became what I figured would be the best year of my life when I met the girl I truly thought I would eventually marry, and plummeted near the end to not quite the worst when she broke my heart.

I remember struggling through the end of that year and most of the following one to find myself. I remember how helpful Darrell was in showing me how to process and move past that pain. I remember starting at the gym, and continuing to go to the gym, setting and achieving goals (I can do 10 pull ups, and now my goal is to be able to bench my body weight; I'm about 15 pounds off). I remember the rollercoaster of hope and despair whenever I would consider the possibility of getting back with the girl who dumped me.

I remember discovering Doom. And that also deserves its own post. That game means more to me than I think anyone can understand. I know it sounds silly, but perhaps more than anything, Doom is what showed me how to believe in myself. I'd say "how to believe in myself again," but... I don't know that I really ever did before.

I remember my desperate attempts to get back with the girl who destroyed me, and I remember Darrell being right in his predictions of what would happen between us every step of the way. I remember the fallout with her, her family, and consequently Anthony. I remember AJ taking advantage of us, owing us thousands of dollars and costing us thousands more in repairs necessary to the Swag Pad. I remember him leaving his dog to die after Chris gave him his eviction notice.

I remember the problems that started when my mom got remarried. They're ongoing, but there's light at the end of the tunnel now. I remember the first Christmas we spent here and not in our childhood home. I remember going to the Chinese buffet for dinner... and honestly that was a great day.

And most recently... I think I can stop saying "I remember" now, because we're just about caught up. I went through my first Valentine's Day ever without feeling desperately lonely. For the first time in history, it just felt like another day. That's how I know I'm really making progress on myself.

Wow. I didn't expect to get that into it. I don't even know how long I've been sitting here. Maybe in another 10 years, I'll get back on here and write up a big long post that includes how I remember sitting on the toilet, painfully (and at points joyfully) recapping the events of the last decade.

For now though, it's time to hit that publish button and resolve to do this more regularly. And maybe update my picture and the tagline for this blog too. At some point.