Another Decade Down

Imagine my surprise when I opened up this page to squeeze in one last post for the year and saw that, not only had I already posted, but I had previously posted TWICE in this very year. Here I was, thinking I was getting my annual entry in at the buzzer. I had even planned to say "For over a decade now, I have been posting consistently* on this blog," and then follow that up by denoting that the asterisk indicates that I have posted at least once every year since February of 2009.

But they say that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

The other day I had envisioned myself sitting down with a decade's worth of inspiration piled up behind me, to impart a handful of lessons I've learned since the start of 2010. The problem is (as I've no doubt bemoaned on countless other occasions on this very site) that inspiration strikes at the absolute worst times. I was practically writing the post in my head the other day... while I was in the shower, getting ready to embark upon one of my myriad menial quests that I've had to undertake this week. Naturally, I couldn't just sit down and pound it out right then and there, and now that I've finally got a small respite in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, most of what I wanted to say has seemingly vanished. 

Not conceptually, of course, just... the way I wanted to say it. When it comes right down to it, the gist of the message is very straightforward. I just have to be careful how I go about it, simply because I don't want to overshare. I guess it would be safe enough to say that the lessons I've learned in the 2010s have to do with loss and regret; blown opportunities and irredeemable mistakes. And death. But that's its own compartment, and really was only going to be a small percentage of the applicable lessons I take with me out of the past decade.

Nine years ago tonight, we had a party to close out the first year of the decade, and as far as I'm concerned, that was the greatest party ever thrown. I remain unconvinced that it could even possibly be topped. And yet, we continue to have annual parties in the same fashion. Because that's just what you do. You keep going, even when you know the best has come and gone. And I think that's a fine mirror for where I am in life. I'm nearly positive that I the best years of my life are over, but... life goes on. You can't just stop. So tonight, we close out the last year of the decade with what is almost certain to be an inferior party.

But what if, right? What if it IS somehow better? And what if the aftermath trumps the nearly transcendent glory of the year following that party?

This blog has, at its core, always been, in some form, about girls and my absolute failure to maintain a meaningful relationship with one. When it started, it was because, to that point, I was frustrated about how I had never HAD a meaningful relationship. I've had a couple since then, and I'm... not really any better off for it, or at least I'm no further toward accomplishing the few goals I had for my life.

But that's it, right? There's the rub. I could have been. I SHOULD have been. But, as I said... blown opportunities and irredeemable mistakes.

Maybe.

There is a part of me (and I can't even say it's a small part) that very strongly believes in the redemption arc, and that it's not only possible for me, it's inevitable. And that part of me has predicted 2020 will be the year. I say this now, as I've said it since about May of this past year, partially in jest, (because I know you can't just claim that kind of thing out of the blue) and so that, if it doesn't come to be, I can look back at myself and at how pathetic I was for even thinking it possible, and have a good chuckle at my naivete. But I also say it because I think it's something worth believing in, and there are enough decent reasons for me to continue believing.

I say all this because this, like any story worth telling, is about a girl. That girl. If you're reading this, there is a very high chance you know exactly who she is. Even if you don't, I think there's a reasonably high chance I go into great detail on it in the near-ish future, because, if we're being intellectually honest, I don't know how much time I've got left. I have a feeling (as I always have) that I'm not gonna be around for a whole heck of a lot longer, in which case this is all moot anyway  (and really, I sort of believe that's part of why everything has happened the way it has, and perhaps I'll get to that too). So if that's true, I want people to have some way know the story, even if it is somewhat hidden.

But that'll have to wait. For now I have a New Years party to prep for. Maybe in a year, I'll return and reflect on how wrong I was about never being able to top the party of 2010.

In the meantime I'll have to remind myself to sit down and walk through the lessons learned from the 2010s, sometime when I've got a few hours to spare to just sit and ruminate, and when there are no other distractions, and when I'm feeling suitably inspired.

In other words, probably never.

But hey, I do know one thing: even if things don't go the way I hope in 2020, it's gonna be a good year... because we finally get Doom Eternal.